Monday, November 29, 2010

Things I Am More Frightened of Than Being Killed By Terrorists While Flying in An Airplane

1. Any sort of professional, public humiliation.

2. Spiders

3. Being trapped on an airplane with spiders

4. Being buried alive with spiders (Yes. I was permanently traumatized by The Serpent and the Rainbow).

5. Dying alone in my apartment and having nobody notice until I'm an awful story in the Post on a slow news day, and Josh Tanzer is making up a funny, funny headline about my rotting corpse

6. Falling through a subway grate in the sidewalk.

7. Being molested or raped by a TSA employee

8. Being stabbed to death in my apartment by an escapee from the hospital for the criminally insane

9. Being run over by a car

10. Being pushed onto the subway tracks and being run over by a train

11. Homelessness

12. Disfiguring injuries

13. Being blinded

14. After becoming blind, being trapped with spiders and not realizing it until they crawl all over me (spiders are stealthy)

15. Being killed by inclement weather or a member of the avian community while on an airplane

16. Did I mention spiders?

3 comments:

Timothy Nolan said...

#10... you too, huh?

jmtanzer said...

Ha ha! I will be happy to write the headline on your tale of misfortune. As in the case of the most famous headline ever written, "Headless Body in Topless Bar," it could be a kind of immortality.

You know, something -- the only thing that scares me on your list, and in fact maybe the only thing that scares me in the world, is #11: Homelessness.

That Fuzzy Bastard said...

You know, Caviglia, a lot of spiders work for the TSA as productive members of society, and don't appreciate the constant aspersions, the purse-clutching, having to wearily reassure travelers that they aren't that kind of spider. Or worse yet, performing their fiftieth pat-down of the day, wondering if this grey airport concourse is their whole life, and then some well-meaning tourist says "Your legs are so articulate! You aren't like all those *other* spiders!"

Lots of spiders get up, go to work, pay their taxes, come home to their hundred kids, and just want a nice coffin to curl up in at the end of the day. Maybe with a blind person to love, just like any other spider. Working for the TSA is no picnic for a spider---or an ant!---but it's a good job, with bennies and a decent 401(k) for when the kids need to go to a hundred colleges.

Think, before you hate!